When 'good naked' goes bad - how to be 'not bad naked'

Fact: There is a lot of planned nakedness involved in the making of children.

Fact: There is a degree of expected nakedness involved in giving birth.

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Fact: There is a whole lot of unplanned and unexpected nakedness after the arrival of children.

Fact by Proxy: Some of that naked is not ‘good naked’.

There is a Seinfeld episode (The Apology) where Jerry dates a woman who likes to hang out naked. The idea of it is great at first. He has eye candy at every corner – but the reality of it (when she is doing menial tasks) loses its appeal. Her un-composed nakedness makes him uncomfortable because the allure of the nude has been compromised by the daily grind.

The first ‘crack’ in the nude woman’s allure is when she coughs naked. Jerry is repulsed and the mystique of the female form he used to covet is irrevocably transformed. When Jerry tries to return the ‘favour’ (of all-the-time- nakedness), she corrects him and tells him that, “[His nakedness] is not good naked.”


The goal of having sex (again) after you have had children is attainable. This will involve some nakedness (obviously) yet in the lead up to that composed event, there will be many other naked non-sex events that no one wants you to know about.

People have more than one child all the time – so there is accepted proof out there that becoming a parent does not mean death to sex. Sex post birth may take a while for a multitude of reasons including (but not limited to) the need to heal, the need to sleep, body issues/confidence, discomfort and the unforgettable fact that once the baby is born, it is there.

Right there.

And it has tiny little ears and tiny little eyes that are ever so close by…

But something that is not often addressed (or not dressed at all.. tee hee) is that despite trying to be naked together for a common goal, there will be a lot of naked episodes in between. In fact, the nakedness that will occur has nothing to do with wanting to be seen naked or getting naked together. Instead it is just a clumsy side effect of being busy with children and simply being caught out naked. This accidental and frequent nakedness when caught out doing ‘just stuff’ results in the ‘not good naked’ that Jerry was humiliatingly schooled in by his girlfriend in The Apology.

Becoming a parent erases your ability to do things in private as well as in a timely and organised fashion. Getting naked can be added to the list of these things that are difficult to do (privately/organisedly/fashionably).

Becoming a parent actually means that there will be a lot more ‘unbecoming’ parent situations you will need to tackle.

This idea of ‘not good naked’ (i.e. not appealing naked) happens frequently as a parent because parents get busy attending to the needs of their children and they just happen to be naked. This is not because they have arranged for a naked play date with their other half – but simply because they have not had time to get dressed, they have been vomited all over, they were in the process of getting dressed when something happened, they were in the shower when the baby started crying or they forgot to get dressed altogether…

The possibilities for unexpected nakedness are endless and it is a simple truth that parents have to get used to: Parents will be caught out naked and they will not have time to compose themselves appropriately.

Is it important to retain some level of mystique in a relationship post children? It might be, but good luck with that.

Pre-children couples trying for their first baby have time to be guarded, groomed, considered and composed and they can present themselves naked and really bank on presenting themselves as ‘good naked’. But post-children couples? Unguarded, ungroomed, un-considered, un-composed…

Post children couples catch each other out naked. They are exposed. ‘Not good naked’ happens.

But, truly, it is not the end of the world and you can avoid super bad naked with a little care. ‘Not good naked’ can be a happy side effect of parenting that is a sign of a comfortable family environment. ‘Not good naked’ can be skilfully evaded by following some easy ‘good naked’ rules.

Following ‘good naked’ rules will leave you with being ‘not bad naked’ which is really not that bad at all, considering.


Here is a list of ‘Always’ and ‘Never’ rules for parents to help keep naked ‘good’:

1)      Never cough naked (thanks Seinfeld)

2)      Always undress yourself last if bathing with the baby.

3)      When squatting to dry a child after the bath, always ensure you have a towel handy.

4)      Always put pants on first before beginning new tasks.

5)      Never take pants off first leaving just shirt and bare bottom when undertaking parenting tasks.

6)      Never wear just socks.

7)      Always take socks off first.

8)      Never put a shirt on before pants.

9)      Never try to put on clothes that are too small in front of your significant other (especially if you are still wet after a shower).

10)   Always put underwear on the right way around.

11)   Always remember a change of clothes for yourself as well as your child at public engagements.

12)   Always expect unexpected guests.

13)   Never stoke the fire naked.

14)   Always plan for an eventual ‘good naked’ meeting to hopefully eclipse accidental ‘bad naked’ mistakes.

15)   Always remember that many people before you have managed to have more than one child.

16)   Always remember that ‘not bad naked’ can be the new ‘good naked’.


P.S: I had entirely too much fun with double entendres writing this. Sorry about that. ;)

Katrina WardComment